Hmmm. I just read 'Word for Today' by Bob Gass for today, June 1, 2007. It spoke of Joni Eareckson Tada, the quadriplegic Christian, that has the show 'Joni and Friends'. It spoke about her accident, of which I am well aware, and how she has done something with her life, saying now, 'I don't know what lies ahead. But I do know who I am and Whose I am. I have a dream, and I know where I'm going'. I know Joni paints with her mouth, and sings, even though taking a deep breath is hard for her. She's married, is an author, has a ministry, so many things. All from a wheelchair from which she can't move alone. All she can move is her head and mouth. The Apostle John writes, "The Spirit in you is...stronger than anything in the world." And Jesus said, "He who overcomes...I will... acknowledge...before My Father" (Rev 3:5 NIV). The question is, what are you doing with the lemons life hands you? Have you developed a woe-is-me attitude, or are you busy making lemonade? With my 'roommate only' marriage of 9 miserable years, and after another argument today, I basically shut down my heart. I've tried for several years not to do this, however I am tired of no sex, no protection, not being cherished, not being loved or cared for. So I decided 'screw him'. While not a lot has changed tonight, after reading this, I see I need to repent of my selfishness to God, and pray, asking what He wants me to do at this point, not thinking in my heart of hearts, all is lost...but allowing God to show me how to make lemonade out of this. So I will be praying about that, about if I should get a job outside of my business here at home, or not. Steve's current job ends definitely at the end of Sept. '07. He is very worried apparently and HE thinks Blue Sage Naturals will be able to pay the bills AND pay for inventory. Unless God makes a HUGE change in things, I don't see that happening. I WAS worried, but I fasted this week about his job. God has always provided for us. When Steve was laid off for 18 months, God provided. When he was a contract worker and others had their pay cut, they didn't cut Steve's. God has ALWAYS provided. There is no reason to think God won't provide another job now. Life is hard. Being a Christian is hard. Doing the right thing is hard. And not being selfish is hard. However, wanting all the things that are supposed to come in a marriage relations is NOT selfish in my opinion. So I don't get any of it. What am I going to do about it? How can I make lemonade out of apples? there MUST be a way. After all, I AM God's on-purpose princess™!