Hmmm. Today is 9/18/06. So that makes yesterday?? Sunday. I've been having a really hard time of it, not having sex. My husband has something wrong with him. Psychologically speaking. I believe God gave every male a libido. Especially men. Hunter, conqueror, all that.

However, my husband does not have one. I have enough for the both of us, however, that doesn't help. And before you go on thinking...'well, why doesn't she just jump his bones'? I have. And I'm tired of it. Besides, I'm supposed to be submitted to him. NOT the other way around. And if *I* have to be the agressor all the time in sex, then I will be the agressor ALL the time.

God made people to join together. It's the basis of marriage. When you get in a fight with your spouse, having sex afterward brings you back together...as one. Sex makes you 'one'. However WE NEVER have sex after a fight. So what that does it spread us further apart. There's never any 'coming together as one'.

Once every nine months or so does not a happy marriage make.

After 8 years of marriage. I wish he cared enough to just get ME off. It doesn't take any libido on his part. All it takes is caring about me.

So what am I left with since he doesn't care enough about me to even do his duty?

Thinking about sex with another guy. Thinking about another relationship. Wondering why he doesn't at least do his duty.

And knowing I can't have sex with someone else without his permission, which he gave twice and then rescinded, because it's against God.

So I'm left thinking in bed, alone, last nite...what's the PURPOSE of me being alive? If I didn't do Blue Sage, what's the purpose of my life? I dunno. To bring praise to God? Like he doesn't have enough people to do that?

To help one person? To bring the 3 or 4 to Christ that I did in the far distant past?

Who knows.

Then this morning, I get a call from Canada. A gal wants to place an order. And I was able to talk to her about God, about God things, like having sex outside of marriage, about how spirits transfer to the person, about setting an example for her kids, about how he's not going to marry her after 5 years. I can tell her all that because I've lived it.

So I guess what God is doing thru me, is having me speak small encouraging words to people. SOMEONE has to plant. SOMEONE has to water in order for people to learn, hear and understand how God and his universe works. To be able to come to God, through Jesus.

So I guess that's what I'm good for. How mundane.

I have always felt in my life that I was going to BE SOMEBODY. I've always thought/felt that. Always. I always felt important. Special.
But I guess I thought of myself more highly than I should.

Oh well. Back to the mundane.

back