Letter to my friend, the Pastor. This email is not intended to be a pity party or a dump on you. Or a complain fest. or whatever. A few people know. Don and Christy, Bill and I would assume Pam, some woman named Ginny you were talking to at the table tonite. Mandy. I think there may be others but i can't remember. No one says anything. at all. Bill said this afternoon when I asked him about the phone message, [which makes me wonder WHOSE phone is it on?? I really would not like my business on just any ole person's phone], that he got the email, but it seemed it didn't need a reply. This is exactly the response I've received from him in the past. Which is why I don't go to him for anything. that is not the response I would have gotten from M___. I understand there were insider problems in that arena, but M___ had compassion, sometimes misplaced, but compassion. He always asked how we were. Bill never does. Ever. An absolute. I feel invisible. Ignored. dumbfounded. I understand when I was talked over tonite, it's not ME they are being rude too, it's their problem. When I am ignored when I am speaking, it's not ME. they are not doing it TO me, they are just rude, discourteous people. God save me from being like that. I am trying to not take things personally. Even though a lot of them feel personal. And they may be personal, however, they are not as deeply personal as Satan tries to make them out to be, because not everyone knows how numbly hurt I am. I have been praying about going to another church. Because I need something I'm not getting at PH. love, understanding, compassion, friends, prophetic moving, healings, the deeper things. However I'm on numb pilot. I pray and praise, however I'm not hearing anything. One of my many flaws is I persevere when I should quit. God told me that a few years ago. legalism maybe, but that scripture goes thru my mind. 'having done all, stand'. I don't want to turn this into another missive and I'm trying hard not too. S lied again re: the business. He hasn't been paying the taxes. But he says he has. No checks have come out of the bank, there's no record of payments on aztaxes.gov. I have been hurt in many manyyyyy ways from him, but lying is the one I can not stand. I hate liars. esp when they are found out and he STILL lies. I have asked and asked those in our home group if they will help build a shed and put 2 walls in the garage. oh yes, they will they say, oh yes, but they never do. I have been working feverishly to get the two rooms done, painted, cleaned, etc. It's not done yet. I know the time has come to make a break. It's hard. *I* have a lot of me, my time, my love, my energy, invested in this one-sided relationship. it's hard to stop wishing, wanting and doing. well, it's a missive. Before, I would have decided 'separate' and would have jumped on the wagon and left, there would have been SOME action. But this time, there isn't. There's no crying, no wailing, no pity party, hmmmm, i just realized it's the same thing i feel when I am smack dab in the middle of God's will. However this one is sad. But I am cushioned. it's such a weird feeling when it's a sad one. S used to dangle carrots. Promise to take me on dates, and break the promise. try to do or be, or change for a day or two. [yes, literally only a day or two]. For the past year and a half or so, there hasn't even been that. He used to say, 'i do enough to get by, all my life'. He doesn't even do that in this 'marriage' anymore. He goes in the spa, watches t.v., goes outside to look at the garden [something i taught him] and he never asks me if I would like to go/do with him. God said to separate and wait. I think He didn't say divorce, because it was scaring me so much. I do not see S and I back together. If it happens, it will obviously be an act of God. As I was telling God last nite/this a.m. [went to bed at 4]. I have to trust Him. I am back at the same place I was 10 years ago. No job, no place to live, [sorta], AND I'm older and fatter. LOTS less stress, but the same place. So I will learn to trust Him completely. I wish S well. I just want to be done with him. And I can't be. Because we don't make enough money for either of us to move out. Once I get the rooms done, I will stay in them for a good portion of my time, when I'm not working. [biz] He is working 12 hour days now, and pretty darn quick he will be working at home. He has the master bdrm, with it's own door. He will use it during the day when I am working Blue Sage. I'm in a hard situation. Once I have my rooms, I will be better off, til then, it's very hard on me. I have no place to pray, no place for me. No space. The 'rooms' are two bedrms, one made into a living room the other a bedrm. the number 8 means new beginnings. we are in the Hebrew year of 5768, and we are going into the Greek year of 2008. 7 means completion. Things will be completed this year and ending, while new beginnings will be happening. we are to let go, give up, stop doing, whatever it is, so we can move on into the new thing God is doing. When I have my rooms, I will at that time, be separate in my mind from him. I will get a legal separation. Take him off the business, be quit of his bills. [he doesn't pay bills on time, leaves mail unopened on his desk] I am a Responsible person. I won't be trying to control him or EXPECT him to do/be/say anything. Cause I won't be his wife anymore. I don't know what you can do, if anything. Well, a couple things. Check into BC and his belief system. Brenda knows he believes in theological evolution. I understand that has nothing to do with salvation. HOWEVER. It has everything to do with believing the Bible. And S said B either does not believe in speaking in tongues, or he doesn't do it, and therefore, they have a lot in common, because people 1. look down on them or 2. look at them funny. S said B went overboard saying S is normal. HUH????? S HIMSELF says he has problems, but B thinks S is perfectly fine. S HIMSELF said he doesn't want to go back to him. 2. See about someone else to counsel Steve. See about SOMEONE stepping up and discipling him, making him accountable. being a friend to him. I am upset, but not judging, that PH men have not stepped up to the plate in helping out one of their brothers who has asked for help. Himself. Not just me asking for him. I am upset that no one seems to care that we have slipped thru the cracks. But then, that must be an oxymoron. How could they care when we've slipped thru the cracks? they don't know. Actually, they do know. Stewart's know, Thompson's know, Sweeney's know [but they are so green at leadership and at being Christians, they have no clue what to do or how to help]. You know. NOT a dump. You are one person, not expected to be everything to everyone or everywhere at once. You aren't God. There ain't no one coming alongside us. No one. At all. The one who was willing to help, you fired. Not a slam, just a fact. At least I knew M--- prayed for us. I know you do when you think of it. Not a slam. I'm sorry if it sounds like one. I really don't mean it to be. I guess I'm reverberating more than I knew. I'm writing some awesome music though! Melodies only. Now there is no 'us'. It's not enough for me. I need a church/people who are willing to be aware and willing to be compassionate. I've never been here before. Christian, separating, legal grounds, Godly grounds, Bible doesn't say abuse, but it should. I've never been this old before, doing this. I've never been this mature doing this. I've never been non-action taking before. I've never not had some sort of plan to help myself. i've never been so sad and so hurt and so numb all at the same time. I put the song on just now that God gave me earlier. It's a healing song and I feel Him dancing with me and I just sobbed and sobbed. 2nd time since dec. 1st. It's scary because it's different and i've never passed this way before at this age. A year or two ago I wrote this song. These are the words: I lay them down At Your feet The dreams I've held So dear and sweet I lay them down At Your feet Cause all I want is more of You More of You. yeah. i'm there in a big way now. BACK Seabuckthorn Shampoo