I am who I am because of what Christ has done for me, and in me. I have been given a gift of prophecy. I have been given a gift of knowing other people's hearts.

I was misusing it lately because:

• I was tired of waiting on God to move in my life
• I seduced myself away from God because of a super high level of stress in my life
• I wanted sex in SOME form in my life since my husband refuses to have sex with me [long story, no libido is a good start]
• This seemed safe to me, because it did not involve the actual physical activity of sex

However, a woman's heart leads her to destruction if she does not allow Holy Spirit to do what He does best.

Guard your heart. It's all thru the Bible. Quite simply, I did not. Nor did I guard my eyes, my lips, my mind, my hands.

A couple of things here: I had my husband's blessing [even though we are separated], in doing what I was doing. HE is my covering. I knew, after a few weeks, it was wrong, but I still wanted to do it. He still condoned it, so I continued.

After writing to an online source, allexperts.com, to the Christian 'wise man' there, he showed me a few things on why it might be wrong. However he also said it would be wise for me to seek another person to be married to since my husband is not fulfilling his duties as a husband. WHERE ARE ANY CHRISTIANS THAT SAY TO STICK IT OUT AND HANG IN THERE, TO DEAL WITH IT AS IF IT'S A SICKNESS AND TO NOT DIVORCE? I have found ONE woman in 10 years to say that. NO MAN SAYS THAT AND ALL MALE PASTORS SAY TO DIVORCE.

And no, I DID NOT know he was this way before we were married because we were not having sex before we were married!!!!

Damn, people think they know everything. [mostly men too, ever notice that?]

But I studied sex outside of marriage in the Bible. And the only thing I came up with on what I was doing is sexual immorality.

It's NOT adultery when it's an accepted practice with IN the marriage. If someone has an open marriage, how can it be adultery? Each to his own interpretation of nebulous things in the Bible. And no, I wasn't having sex. Not oral, not intercourse. No sex. Not physically. I did do it once in my mind with one guy. THAT surprised me. I've never done that in my life that I know of.

I started doing what I was doing because there is no intimacy in my marriage, of any kind. No communication, no sex, no touching, zip.

One day in church God gave me the rhema [that means like a light bulb went off] of what gift He had given me in knowing the hearts of those who will be ready to accept Him, and I was using it wrongly. I was using that gift to get into the hearts of men who wanted to be in mental bondage. THAT flash of light brought me up short.

But I couldn't get away from what it is. Sexual immorality. And it doesn't matter if it's not for ANYone else. It is for me. And me is all I'm concerned about. I don't want to be estranged from God because of what I am thinking, thinking of doing and doing.

I have been, basically, begging God for years, for a Xn girlfriend AND to have some FUN that is of HIM. So far, nothing. He TOLD me He wants me to stop taking life so seriously and to have fun. Just how much fun is there available with limited funds and living in a place where it regularly gets to 112F in the summer? I am also asking for some thing or things, to concentrate my mind on. An idle mind is the devil's workshop.

So I will begin studying for a huge exam I have coming up. And take it one step at a time. God, I really hope and pray You come thru on this and give me some FUN things to do. You already made me live in Phoenix.