God this is hard. How do I allow dreams to die? How do I let go of all the plans and thoughts I had? How do I move out when there is no money? Where should I live? How do I do the business on my own? How do I stop doing things together? HOW do I, personally, live as a roommate with my husband, who lives and thinks as a roommate anyhow? God, it seems to me, this isn't going to work if one of us doesn't move out. Lord, Steve has SO many excuses. God I'm tired of being treated as his mama. Lord, I need to get on with my life and see the hope in it. Please direct me, guide me, talk to me on what I should do.

Should I go to another church? [the answer is yes]. Father, I ask You to give Steve a job that pays more than he makes now so 'we' will have the funds for him to move out. You said to do this Lord, I ask that You come thru.

Lord, it's been 10 years now. Should I move back to California and see if I could get a job with the State? [answer is no, God wants me to stay here for a year. In this State, in this city, in this house.]

Should I see about getting a job here as a school bus driver? [answer is no, concentrate on my health and the business]

Is there any hope of Steve changing in the future? I feel like the answer is no. Lord, if I leave, I need to leave and get on with my life. Should I stay here? God, this is hard. This is hard, this is hard. My song to You Lord, I wrote a couple years ago, applies here:

'I lay them down
At Your feet
The dreams I've held
So dear and sweet

I lay them down
At Your feet
Cause all I want
Is more of You

I lay them down
At Your feet
The dreams I've had
So near and sweet

I lay them down
At Your feet
Cause all I want
Is more of You
Is more of You.

I do Lord. I lay down my dreams at Your feet. God You know me So well. You've told me several times over the last several years, that I need to STOP persevering. It's hard to know when to call it quits Lord. I know You hate divorce. However You are the one that told me to separate. [2nd time] And I feel you told me to separate cause you know if you told me to divorce it would be realllllly hard for me. It's the same feeling I had when I was praying for Carol, the Christian woman I would see on my daily walks. You said she wasn't going to get better and I felt you say in a weee tiny voice, she was passed on, but I kept praying anyway cause I didn't know if it was your voice I'd heard. And you didn't push the issue. I found out several months later she had passed on.

Lord, Steve went to counseling tonite, his first time with this new guy. And at NO time did he mention that I had come home and told him I am getting a legal separation. He said, "it didn't seem important at the time". !!!!!!!

Lord you know the reasons for this separation. Lord, I'm 54 [almost, b.d. in a week]. WHERE am I going to get a job?
WHAT do I do with Blue Sage? Can I expand it? Can I get my products in more stores? HOW am I going to package up alone? HOW can I get another job AND do this one too? Help me Lord. Help me to prioritize I pray. Help me to know what to do first. And please help me to not 'go back' to Steve. Help me to know WHAT to do, WHEN.
Thank you Lord. In Jesus' name I pray.

You know what Lord? I don't even have tears to cry about this anymore.