8/10/09


This is a letter I wrote to a friend of mine, after Steve had left me, in the hot sun, on a trail, waiting for him to come back to see if this other way was the 'right way to go'. Steve didn't come back. He went to the top, instead of coming back to get me. I ended up trekking after him, he was on his way back down the mountain and I had heatstroke.

As i said to him 2 hours ago. all he had to do was talk to me. all he had to say was 'honey, i'm sorry'. instead, he gives arguments and excuses on why he is not wrong.

i am tired of telling him what to say. of trying to get a response out of him, ANY communication. i am dead tired of turning the other cheek.

but what i'm really tired of, is his selfishness, self-absortion, and self centeredness. it's all about him, what HE thinks, what HE wants.

last nite I tried to give to him, and did a bang up job. I rubbed his feet and other parts. HE had a great evening. This is good, as it was my intent. however, I n.e.v.e.r. get anything like that. he seems to think being a slave and a gopher is a husband. no matter how many times i've told him, i don't WANT a slave.

he COULD have gotten out his bible and read it at any time when we got back.

he did get the clothes washed and dried. but i told him to do that. i prayed and prayed God would make steve talk to me. i prayed God would show me what, if any, open door there was.

i went forward for personal prophecy at solid rock church yesterday. he didn't go with me. til i told the guy he was my husband, then steve comes up. the guy says he was going to ask steve to come up, i said i wanted a word for ME, the guy said, 'well you two are one right?' i shrugged and said 'yeah i guess'.

there is NEVER an overture of sexuality here. There is NEVER any conversation started that I don't start. no romance, nothing that would make someone think [including me] we are married.

he asked me after i hung up with you, 'what sucks' I said, that I have to forgive you. then i started crying, which he should KNOW [by now] is a sign that my heart is softened. nothing from him. no words, he just sat there. he is NOT interested in being a husband. he is not interested in doing the WORK involved in being a husband. it's sad. sad for me and to ME, I think it's sad for him. I can not IMAGINE going thru life not having passion for anything except oneself. Just 'doing enough to get by', yet he is totally happy. he has no ambition, no drive, no passion, no compassion, no sense of duty, no sense of responsibility. he must be really bound up inside, yet when he's gone to see Scott and Liz, nothing has come up. All Liz said is to pray the Lord will bring down the wall around his heart.

I love him, but I'm not IN love with him. I feel SO sorry for him. however, I do NOT want to live the next year [even] in this mess. He is happy the way he is. He said last nite he realizes what he has to do now. i said 'you didn't listen to me before?' he basically said he didn't.

I do believe and do allow God to change MY mind, my heart, my thoughts and attitudes. I have been praying for God to changemy attitudes. One of the things that guy prophesied about yesterday, was changing mindsets. I have asked God for a confirmation of this word, if it was from Him and all.

I try...I trrrrry to change my attitudes, my name calling of Steve, my controllingness, my submission, but. it takes two to effect a change, and no matter how much i've changed and yes, I've changed, he doesn't. yes, I need to change whether or not he is in my life. but if he WANTS to be in my life, he NEEDS to change.

I haven't been able to leave because I don't have a means of supporting myself. the business will barely pay for the mortgage. our bills are, now that medical is so high, $2300 [sans gas and food] I think I figured. we can only afford to live here if both paychecks are here, or there's a roommate and I'm not sure I WANT a roommate now.

He does do a lot in the mailing out of packages, he fills products, labels them, makes some of them. However, I CAN get my act together and get things done in that regard.

i'm sad. sad he didn't try. sad i didn't change enough? sad I ...dunno. something in there. it's too bad. and all he had to do tonite was talk to me. show some understanding, some compassion WITHOUT me having to tell him WHAT to say.

God I forgive Steve in the name of Jesus. I forgive him for not measuring up to what a husband should be and do. I forgive him for not trying and again, I forgive myself for marrying out of rebellion and not trusting You. I forgive me for not ...what God? trying harder? Lord, I give you permission to change my mindsets, my attitudes my everything. Is this one of those times when I should just lay down and take it? Or rather, lay MY self, MY rights down? Lord, is Steve's personal salvation, personal relationship with you something *I* can effect with whether or not we stay together? Is it MY responsibility to point him to you and your forgiveness by how I act with him? And if that is true, am I SO unimportant in all this, that my feelings don't matter? Am *I* being selfish Lord? God forgive me for being selfish, but WHERE do I draw the line? God I pray you bless Steve. I pray he will have a relationship with You. I pray he will be happy. I pray he will be healed and set free from whatever is in his past.

And I pray for your direction God. i pray Father you heal Steve from wounds I have caused him. I pray, SO pray you heal his heart Father. If you want him married, give him a wife that fits him better than I do. Someone who doesn't want a relationship, someone who has their own life and gets along like that. Give him someone who will love him the way he is and not want him to change. Bless him God, i pray you bless him. he has a child-like-ness about him Lord, not the kind in the Bible though. I pray you grow him up, make him pay bills on time and make him the responsible adult you want us all to be.

And I pray you give me guidance, wisdom and understanding.

Lord, you know me. Just like with my son John, I tried and tried and tried. I have quit trying with him now. This with Steve, feels JUST LIKE with John. I just can't try anymore God. There's nothing left in me that wants to go on getting hurt and trying when the other doesn't want to try, and doesn't want to change too. Lord, take care of me I pray. In Jesus name. Amen.