4/13/07 10 a.m. This is some of the basics of my 'marriage'. I just went into the 'herb room', which is actually our master bedroom made over into a work room for the business. I had to bottle up the shampoo we made, as Steve didn't do it when he was finished making his part, which was the end ingredients. It's been sitting in the kitchen, with a lid on it, for 2 days. Ok fine, so I have to bottle it up before I can make lip balm. So I go into the herb room and proceed to take the new bottles out. I see oil on the shelf where Steve had put them. I remove them. I remove more of them as I see more and more oil on the shelf. Well. When Steve stocked this shelf with the new bottles, he did NOT clean the shelf off first. He put the bottles on TOP Of that oil on the shelf. So I ended up removing the first two rows of bottles, in order to clean up the shelf. WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THIS?????? It was Steve's turn to clean the kitchen. So he did. Except he did NOT clean off the stove top! And it's filthy with grease and oil. WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THIS???? We are at one of the warehouse stores. If I've told him once, I've told him a thousand times... if you get a sample for yourself, get one for me. Think of SOMEONE else. Get two of everything unless you KNOW I wouldn't like it. He still does not. After 9 years of marriage. WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THIS????? He knows it's going to rain. He leaves the wooden handled wheelbarrow out in it. He does not pick up things in the backyard that should be put away. He NEVER, and yep, there's an absolute, puts tools away. He left the drill press I use for the business, out. So now the plate is rusty. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD HIM TO PUT THE TOOLS AWAY OR TO COVER UP THINGS? You'd THINK he never had parents. Well, they TOLD ME they didn't teach him to do any of this. But after being on his own for 24 years, nine of those married to a VERY responsible person... he STILL doesn't put things away. WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THIS?????? The backyard has sand on the cement on one side, for three years now. The remainder of his HALF COMPLETED spa pad. There is junk and debris everywhere. We don't have the money for me to hire someone to cart it away. It sits there. There is dog poop everywhere on it. And the rest of the yard. WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOESN'T TAKE PRIDE IN HIS YARD OR IN HIS HOME???? He calls the company that did our pool pump when the previous owners were here. They have some 'special' going on for $1000 for a new pump. They are amazed this one is still running. Steve whines he wants to buy it. With WHAT? A credit card that we can't pay off anyway???? He gets mad at ME when I say no, we can't afford it. This is AFTER he found a place on the outside of the house that needs repairing before it gets any worse. Apparently there's water damage. So he gets two estimates. I take money out of the business to cover this new expense. Money that really is needed to pay for business related things. He does not respond to the estimates. Steve thinks money grows on trees and he can spend, spend, spend. He doesn't budget, he won't go by the budgets I have made. HE wanted a house. He got a job after being laid off for 1.5 yrs, and 2 months later bought this house. No time to build up a savings, no time to get back in the swing of having money again. I must say Steve has gotten more responsible since we've lived here. He DID do the spa pad, he didn't finish it. He has NEVER finished any project around here that he was doing. Unless inspectors were coming out. But he still leaves tools out. If they get messed up, or stolen, [like the brand new saw we had in Sacramento he left outside], then he buys new ones. His excuse...'I can't make anything if I don't have a saw'. He makes planter boxes. He put gutters up on the house, but they leak like sieves. He can't be bothered with whatever is needed to fix them. We had the guy who came in to fix the toilet Steve messed up, take the tile out around the toilet, because it was leaving a gaping hole. New toilet in 35 yr old house. It looks pretty bad to me. The concrete is dark and icky looking. I've tried covering it with rugs, but they don't cover the whole thing. I've asked Steve to cut a piece of carpet we have to put it down to cover the floor, then I will put more rugs on that. He can't be bothered. He doesn't fill the spa when it's low, so I've been doing that. Yesterday I forgot about the water and it overflowed. Seriously overflowed. I worried about the water bill. I've asked and asked for him to enclose the back patio. He won't. So I got a mosquito net at a store and hung it over the table where I would go read my Bible in the mornings. It got pretty buggy INside it, so I quit using it. And it would hang on me when I used it. Now Steve has stacked stuff from the garage, on the patio. So I can't use it anyway. Wood sits outside getting wet. The new wood he was going to build planters with. And the old wood we bought for shelves inside the house. Then, to top it off, the last time we made love was last October, 2006. And that was because I was the agressor, Again. I am SICK of being the agressor. Steve says he 'doesn't think about sex'. No, I didn't know about this before we were married. We have had sex about 20-25 times in 9 years of marriage. And no, I haven't strayed. Although I did seriously sit and think about it. But I would rather not go down that path. My relationship with Jesus is important to me and while He would forgive me, it would be hard to forgive myself. And then there's the consequences of it all. I've reminded Steve of how nice I am after we've made love. He KNOWS this, he AGREES with this. However, for whatever reason, it's not in his best interests to do what the Bible says, or to do things to make me happy. I guess it's too much effort for him. I am weary. For the business: I design the labels. I make the labels. I do the research and development of the products. This takes a HUGE part of my time. I order the inventory, I keep the inventory. I manufacture the products. I bottle the products. We both label the products. I do the website. I have more websites than you can shake a stick at, that need something on them. I try to keep the house things straight and separate from the biz stuff. And vice versa. I do all the marketing. I field all the emails. I am customer service. I take all the phone calls. I answer all the product questions. I research different products to make the website run more smoothly. I try to enlist the aid of Steve. Unless it's down to the wire and I'm threatening him, he won't do anything. Steve runs on threats. I run on challenges and responsibilities. We are two COMPLETELY opposite people. A few months after we were married, I asked Steve why did he marry me? Steve said he married me for companionship, someone to do things with and someone to talk too. Except we don't do anything, and he doesn't talk to me. I married him for someone to pay my bills, legal sex and because I loved him. I repented about 6 yrs ago of marrying in rebellion. You can read about this elsewhere on this site. I guess this is my punishment. I hate being married to Steve. I haven't had a french kiss in months and months. Ditto for sex. Ditto for anything romantic. People have counseled us. Mostly him. He does not respond. Out of SEVEN years of being counseled, ONE guy held him accountable. This in 2007. He suggested to Steve to take me on dates, kiss me, try for intimacy once every 2 weeks, then once a week. And Steve agreed to this. [where are the men helping men? Where are the elders that are holding other men accountable? WHO is keeping men accountable? WHERE are the men of the church who are on fire for God? And for the men who at least SAY they are willing to be held accountable, WHY aren't these church men holding their brothers accountable????? WHERE are the Biblical standards for men in the church???] He met with him a month later and asked Steve if he'd done any of it. Steve told him no. The other guy let me know this is what was going on. I am frigging worn out. I can't clean the whole house by myself and do the business too. Housecleaners want $30 an HOUR. My husband doesn't even make that much an hour! It ain't gonna happen. I can't clean the yard, most of it is too heavy for me. And God wants me to submit to Steve?????? I TRY. However it's REALLY hard when the man I am supposed to submit too, REFUSES TO TAKE THE LEAD. We can't get away, because we have no money to get away with. We did do free dates back when we were taking a marriage class at one of the churches, that was a requirement of the class. Now Steve whines...'tell me what to dooooo. Tell me where to goooooo', and his classic... what do you want me to say?????? I've told him he will have to ask one of the men at church or someone else. I'm thru telling him what to do and what to say. WHAT KIND OF MALE LEADER DOES THAT????? God knows, if I could leave, I would. It's better to be single than to be in a marriage that is not a marriage. And somewhere in all this I am to take care of my health and boost my immune system and not be stressed. i AM NOT TO LIVE by my feelings. I am not to make decisions based on feelings. Yeah, right. That's how people DO make decisions when it's matters of the heart. I have told Steve for the last several years, we/he/I are in danger of me hardening my heart against him. When a women leaves her husband physically, she does it in her heart first. I've told him that. I have tried and I have tried to stop this from happening. But now, I think it's too late. I think this is the time when I'm supposed to still believe God will change my marriage. This is when I'm supposed to not give up, to have hope. To keep on keepin' on. Having done all, to stand. I need someone to come alongside me, I need people to pray for me, for this marriage. I need people who will commit to praying for my marriage, the way I have commited to praying for others, for as long as it took. It's apparent I can't do it alone. I am resigned, I am weary. It took me an hour and a half to type this out. So now, I will go bottle up the shampoo. Then I will clean the stove. Then I will make another batch of lip balm and hope this one is a good formula. BACK Blue Sage Naturals Sea buckthorn