12-3-11 It's been a while since I've updated this. I've been busy, learning things of God. Getting lots of understanding from Him and finally filing for divorce. You can read elsewhere on this site if you don't know why. A scripture Pastor Dollar said a few months ago brought me up short. It was James 3.16 "For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work". It opened my eyes to what was going on here. Why I've been so confused about things. Strife. I know that I know I am to be divorced THIS year. After another humongous lie from Steve in Sept, I filed 9-12-11. Did the next filing and the next and Dec 14 at probably 3 p.m. I'll be divorced. It's been stressful here. Add to this stress, my son, who works in PA, texts me on Thanksgiving [my phone was off all day, didn't get the call from my sister either] and tells me he's 'at my parents and everyone is here'. [I've already told him I am his mother and I don't like hearing him refer to them as his parents and he can do that with his friends but I would appreciate it if he didn't do it with me]. Well his DAD and his STEPMOTHER live in Phoenix/Chandler. I live in Phoenix. Now figure, he HAD to know at least 3 weeks prior to coming that he was coming. At NO TIME did he tell me. THIS from someone who SAYS he wants to have a relationship with me. ??? Which planet did he get off of? [ we are estranged. I have been off and on, trying to have a relationship with him, and this last attempt was by him. However, I'm pretty much done. It's got to be GOD's timing and GOD's doing. I don't LIKE him. What I know of him, I don't like, what I hear I don't like. He hasn't lived with me since he was 12.5 and he's 37 now] That really hurt when I learned he was here and SO dishonored me that he didn't even PLAN to spend time with me. I processed thru that for the rest of Black Friday afternoon. What a time waster. BUT, when I replied to him on text, [which I HATE texting more than a little bit here and there], my response was SO good and SO loving and SO not attacking. The gist of it was I told him this wasn't a rewarding experience for me, so I won't be doing it anymore. Course, that set him off too. You can't win with him. And before you go there on that whining...'oh you must be sooo hurt and miss him so much...' stuff. No, I'm not really. I don't love him. I love the little boy I KNEW, but this adult, I don't know and what I see, I don't like. I don't like the attitude, the gimme, gimme, the immaturity, the disrespect. So that was stressful. My b.d. is Dec. 7. I reserved our timeshare in Sedona and made a reservation at the Airport Restaurant up there, AWESOME food!, and told Steve he will be paying for it. Today, while cleaning the house, closets, kitchen...you know the drill on a rainy day...LOL...I went and told him I love you. I do love him, when I don't hate him. That's mostly what I wanted to say on here. He does nothing to make me love him, he's never done anything to keep it alive or make it work. And sometimes I do love him. But I'm not IN love with him anymore. Too bad for him he let me slip away. I am a pretty nice gal. Rough edges and all. God has been teaching me about HimSelf. The most recent has been, like..just this past Wed. 11-30-11, I KNOW God LOVES me! God, ALIVE AND PRESENT God, loves ME. Yes, ME! I am still awestruck. He has been teaching me thru Ken n Gloria Copeland, Creflo Dollar, George n Terri Pearsons...I've been learning stuff and memorizing scripture for 32 years. God has healed me of a lot of stuff, inside and out. And NOW, NOW, this year, God is giving me RHEMA on SO MANY things. How the Word of God is ALIVE and by speaking it, I'm speaking it into existance. How ANGELS do His bidding and obey His Word, so when I speak it, they go to action. How I need to watch what I say. how I failed at that 12/13/11 How God is not only LOVE, but He is also HEALTH, and healing emanates from him like love does. He can't NOT heal. How I am to TAKE what He has, He's giving it to me FREELY and He WANTS me to be happy. He WANTS me to be prosperous. He WANTS me to be healed. He is in MY CORNER! I grew up a Catholic. They teach kids that when you are holding on for dear life, God has a sledge hammer and slams your finger tips. So learning this, truely learning this, is just FREEING and so COOL. There was a gal I was acquaintances with for a time, and she ALWAYS said, 'God loves me best'. I told her that isn't true, God doesn't have favorites. This was a gal who was HIGH UP in the prayer ministry of this area. That caused me to stumble and stumble and I tried and tried to get around it and understand and all that. Now I think she probably doesn't know that God really does love her and she just says that. I hope and pray she stops, cause it's not true and hurts those that struggle with knowing God's love. And it's rude and unloving to boot. This morning God got me up at 2 and I was awake til 5:30. Watched Mike Murdock and learned I am SUPPOSED to expect God to do things. WHOA!!! This is something that's been catching my eye since I got a DVD [but lost it before I could watch it], from CBN, about 'the law of expectation'. If we don't expect God to do xyz, He won't. You gotta watch Mike Murdock. And NOW I understand too, why we are to PRAY over ANY money we give ANYWHERE. We are to give that money instructions. And we are to EXPECT God to give us a 100 fold return, or whatever expactations you have for that seed offering. As Murdock said, everything starts from a seed. God wanted a family, He send His Son, who raised a family. If you want tomatos, you plant a seed. If you want money, you plant money. If you want time, you plant time. Stuff like that. It was SOOO good. I was ecstatic at learning this. AND I learned from Geo Pearsons this morning HOW giving to ministries works. I knew it before, but this explanation cemented my understanding. I partake of whatever that ministry has. Ken Copeland said it too, but I guess I need to hear something and ruminate on it and then hear it again. I had a well woman check up, doing it before I have to pay for my own insurance...mammo and pap came back fine. Have one more physical, with a MALE dr. but since I did the woman stuff with a female, I should be ok with the rest of it, and he is competent, unlike the female dr I had for 6 years that didn't know squat, but I didn't know it til it was too late. Shows how God protected ME!!! That is Dec. 9. I hope all tests can get done before the 14th. I can't try to get health insurance until I get these tests done, cause likely I'll have to get it with the same carrier I'm with and I just don't want anything to go haywire. So that's a little stress. Not much will change immediately, cause I'll still be living here. God told me to stay here thru January. A friend of mine keeps harping on 'the appearance of evil'. I said 'no one knows and if I meet someone [male] I'll tell him and if he doesn't understand, I don't want him around anyway. And anyone that does know, if they judge, they are not supposed to judge, so it will be meted out to them as they judge me'. There are very few who know. A couple email gal pals know. NO family knows. No neighbors know [they are not friendly]. I am waiting on God. I DO trust Him and have learned this year to trust Him in a LOT more things. And I told Him I want to do this and do it in trust. Not wait til this or that happens. I'm not scared anymore. A little, I guess, but not like I used to be. Ken Copeland said about a month ago, 'first thing you say when you wake up in the morning is, God loooooves me and everything's gonna be alright'. So I have been. God gave me a song about it, I will put a link to it as soon as I get it on youtube, or can figure out how to imbed it here. It's cute, catchy and true. So far everyone that's heard it, really likes it. Costco, friends. So, I'm better now that I've gotten this all out. I know it's long. Oh well. It's for me, more than it's for you. LOL Bye for now. back