4/12/07
These are days of reckoning, I reckon. I've been reading Dutch Sheets book, "Intercessory Prayer". I am in the part where he's talking about releasing Holy Spirit to hover over someone, releasing Christ in them. I have been praying this for my husband.

I forget which word, but there were examples of Moses and others talking, about when they were in their barren, desolate places and God met them. *light bulb* I am in that barren place right now. See below.

I have realized in the last 4 or 5 days, that after nine years of marriage, I can't make it happen. I can't make love happen, or intimacy, or caring about me. I have been desolate. I have been devastated. I have felt for years, since about 6 months after we got married, that Steve sucks the energy out of me. Oh, I knew this before, but it was mostly head knowledge. Lately, these thoughts went into my heart, into my soul and I realized they are true. Steve says he 'doesn't remember to make love to me, or to take me on dates', but yet, if I say I'm going to throw away a book of his, he remembers that enough from one day to the next, to come home after work looking for the books. [I did throw them away. Yeah, yeah, I know, not submitted, not good, not smart] I am devastated by this rhema.

I was talking to God while sitting in hot water crying. I told Him it's hard to respect someone when they don't respect themselves. Then I told Him I am trying to make excuses for myself probably. I probably should respect him even if he isn't respectable, responsible or strong. But I don't know HOW, I told Him.

I KNOW God can change situations, marriages, people. I am still praying, asking Holy Spirit to hover over Steve, over me, over our marriage, to bring him to Christ and heal our marriage, which is US.

But I'm dead inside. I have told Steve before how he sucks the life out of me. He drains me of my enthusiasm, of my energy, of my joy. And he doesn't replace it with anything. He sucks me dry and has been doing this for 9 years now. I get filled with Christ when Steve is at work, then he comes home and drains me. There's no encouragement from Steve, there's no spiritual uplifting. And I try my best to keep my mind on noble things and not on things of this world. Like finding another man, or some such sin that isn't what God wants from me. And I want to please my Dad more than anyone else.

I have been trying look ahead, keep the faith, speak not as things are, but as they should be, etc., etc. But I'm tired. Maybe I've been in denial. I always thought, if I look ahead, keep the faith, keep praying, things will change. Things haven't changed. Not one little, tiny bit. I realize Steve doesn't love me, he doesn't care for me. I am not cherished. I am not respected and not thought of. He cares more about his books than he does about me. I knew this was the way it was AFTER we were married, but I pushed it back, thinking I could be bright and cheery and things would change. And it's not even a case of 'he loves me as much as he is able'. When Steve went to the couple that does inner healing, they saw him with a wall up around his heart. I can't break it down and Steve is comfortable with his familiar spirits.

He doesn't want to change. It's too much trouble for him. As he told me a long time ago, 'he does just enough to get by'. Except he doesn't even do that in this marriage. I have been prodding him to give me a response when I talk to him. He doesn't even look at me when he talks to me! I'm tired. I'm not his mother and I'm not his wife. We are not friends. But we live in the same house.

We don't make enough money on his salary to live. My business he inherited when we married, makes up the difference. And I'm tired. I work hard to do things right in the biz, but I'm one person. With the energy being sucked from me, I can't do it alone anymore. I feel old and tired. I can't leave because Steve doesn't want me to go. Yet he also doesn't want me to be happy if he has to have any part in it. This is a no-win situation for me.

But I'm NOT old.

However, I have taken off the rose colored glasses, or is that actually called faith?, and I have decided to remove from my self the 'trying so hard'. If there's dirt in the garden, I'll plant seeds. If there's not, I won't. Steve has NEVER put away shovels or rakes after using them. I give up. I'm not going to tell him to do it anymore. He lets things rot. He doesn't take care of his things. Nor does he take care of me.

I am a loving person, I am a generous person, I am an enthusiastic person. I'm a good cook and I make people laff. However being around Steve, I am none of those things anymore.

I always thought I would have a good marriage, when I got married again. I did everything I could to make sure I was well-rounded, since I knew I didn't have a good figure and wasn't gorgeous. I thought I would have lotsa sex, a man who makes decisions easily and was a strong person. Lord knows I prayed for those exact things for YEARS in my future mate.

I thought because of the way *I* am, we would have fun. How could I be married to someone that wasn't strong, fun and INTO God?

But I married unequally yoked. God doesn't tell us to not do that to make us miserable. He tells us that because he loves us so much, he doesn't want us unhappy. But I was headstrong. And Steve was/is wimpy.

I need to find a place for *me*. I need to find out how to relate to this person who is not a husband, not a friend, but lives in the same house I do. A counselor we went too in 2001, said if we are not having sex, we are nothing more than roommates. [June 13, 2007 - he was dead wrong]

I have to find a way to distance myself, yet not harden my heart against him. And still talk to him.

In my last session of inner healing, part of me that I gave to God was the part that used to protect the little girl in me. So now, I'm lost in what to do, how to act. In the past, I would have hardened my heart against the person, and been belligerent, brash and hard. Now I don't know what to do.

I'm in a sad place and I feel so lost and so alone. Except for God. I am so miserable. And I have no one to talk too. So I talk to God and I write here.

As I said, I still pray for the Holy Spirit to hover over Steve. But I am not sure I have any hope anymore that my marriage will be anything more than it is now.

I wonder if things will change at some future date and I'll be able to read this later and rejoice in what God did, or if it's not gonna change and this is a test on how well I'll act in and thru it. But I'm not worried about it and I don't care. I'm doing my best at the moment. I wonder if this is called 'growing up'. I wonder if I was just so Pollyanna.

I wonder if praying means I have hope, since I AM praying. I don't really care though, whether it means it or not. All I know is I need to figure out how to act, what to do, and how to do it. And I'm not in a pity party, cause I'm not in the spot of 'oh, my dreams are dying'. Its more a feeling like a rude awakening. And I'm so devastated, miserable and sad, and hurt. And lost. Yeah, I feel lost.

appropo background I think.
written April 13, 2007 12:52 a.m.



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