Letter to my Pastor Here is the email ______ sent. ______ has not sent anything. I did not expect you to send any thing I was just keeping you in the loop. But you did. God told me this morning what to do. To pray his Word out loud because his word does not return void. to speak of things that are not as though they are. [that's a hard one. really hard] to run to him, offer sacrifices of praise. to pray for steve's salvation. however the facade of this marriage is off now. Steve doesn't deny he's in for convenience only. oh, woe is me. as a young Christian, it was drilled into me that if i was married we would BOTH have to be in ministry or neither of us would be. God said this morning that's not true. This is hard to unlearn also. please make sure what you teach is not from your own self, but from the mind of God. that teaching has done a lot of harm to me/my marriage. i don't respect steve cause respect has to be earned the second time around. it's freely given the first time, like trust and other things. we cannot afford a divorce. i can get a legal separation MAYBE, and live in the same house. separating our monies, esp important regarding my business. but i'm not sure that's wise. God said I will have close friends. I have been praying for years for a close CHRISTIAN girl friend. I have no one to talk too, so you are my listening board. I'm in a marriage that is not a marriage. I'm not really in a relationship, cause it's only me that wants one. I'm in that place that, when you're single, you break off the 'relationship' and move on, crying over your broken heart, but you MOVE ON. There's no moving for me. I'm trapped. I don't know what to do in the MEANTIME of what is NOW and when God works. I don't want Steve to touch me, kisses goodbye are hollow. But I want a hug so badly. But why get a hug from someone who doesn't love me? Who uses me for his gain? Who's only interest in me is to fulfill what he wants? [someone to talk too, do things with, and someone at home when he gets there] Get a dog for pete's sake! Oh! we have one. Before Steve was John, with whom I was not IN love, but we were together off and on for 7 years. Not living together. He was Christian after he met me. As I told Steve last nite, John tried to change because he loved me. And John changed. IF Steve loved me, in NINE years he would have changed something, but he hasn't. Well, yes, he has. He doesn't hit me anymore. or push me, shove me, etc. But I've been begging for sex for 9 years. Dan, I don't matter to Steve. If I were to leave or die, he would be playing games on his computer in a few days. I think I told you God told us to separate for 6 mos to a year back in 2000. it ended up being 5 -5.5 months. it was really rough on me. Steve did not do all the conditions, but God said for me to move here. from Oregon. [green, lush] 1 month after I moved here, Steve lost his job. anyway. I'm in the meantime and I don't know what to do until God works his miracle. I'm hurt. I'm rejected. I'm devastated. and i feel if i give in to those feelings and thoughts, i will get SO depressed. and i can't afford that. As you can see ____ said 'we will try again with counseling'. It's not COUNSELING we need. Steve needs a new heart! Steve SAID he wants to be discipled. why won't someone do it? **and in a very small voice** i married unequally yoked. am i being STILL disciplined for that? even as fat as I am, i bet i could find a good man on eharmony.com!