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I want to change. I just asked my husband to forgive me, for being how I have been. I've been changing a little here and a little there, but now that I've turned 50, the Lord is FINALLY getting thru this thick head of mine.
I have taken pride in getting my own way. Through charm, guilelessness or through bitchiness. Gosh we all know what pride does, so I won't get into that sector of my thoughts. I have been rebellious all my life. ALL my life. Oh, there's various reasons about parents, siblings, abuses, stuff like that, but it all boils down to me being the way I've been. It's not a chip anymore, something that can be knocked off, it's become a canker in my body. I WANT FREE. Cankers eat away at you. Anger canker is my worse one. A lot of that anger comes from how I've been treated by others in the past, AND that I haven't forgiven. Another new thing I've learned recently is when we forgive someone, it's DONE. Satan tries to tell us we haven't forgiven because we don't FEEL it, but that is such a LIE! Faith is NOT about feelings, it's about trusting the One who gives us the faith in the first place. I can't tell you how many years I have been forgiving people, never to reallllllly feel, and thinking I haven't, so the anger never really goes. I guess that's based on faith too. Light bulb moment here. :) Some people, men mostly, take pride in being called a 'curmudgeon'. Well, that's what I was becoming. It's NOT a compliment. It means someone who does their own thing, but at the expense of someone else. Being onery, grumpy, getting their own way. Usually using 'charm' or smiles to do it, but it still ends up with someone feeling badly. I have done my own thing all my life. I joined the Army, I joined the Air National Guard, I started a business, I even filed sexual harassment charges against a former employer, something that scared me to death, but I did it, because he had done it to me. I have always taken the road less traveled. I did it MY WAY. In the Army, the class I was in was taking a LONG time, when they should have cut out a bunch of extraneous stuff. Somehow I got out of much of that class, in protest. When I went back in, they had changed the format to make it quicker, less extraneous stuff. So, not all my ways of doing things MY WAY were bad. But the Lord is teaching me now to push less. I have had a lifetime of getting my way through various avenues, not all of them bad. So now, I will do my best to listen to the Lord and stop pushing. Stop forcing, stop cajoling, stop wheedling, stop charming. I will do my level best to be a nicer person, to not be so quick to anger, to be more diplomatic, more tactful. The Lord says in his Word that he will restore what the worm has eaten, and the years that the canker destroyed. Oh wow, another light bulb moment. I didn't think of that scripture when I wrote the above. I'm typing this in as I think of it, talk about 'off-the-cuff'. I've had 50 years of my life consumed by cankers. I have asked everyone I know to forgive me of whatever I have said or done. I'm moving on. I WANT to change. I don't want to end up being called a female curmudgeon. I don't want to be grumpy anymore, angry, cantankerous. [another light bulb for me] Well, that's it for me for today, March 21, 2004. Isn't today the first day of Spring? It's 96 degrees here in Phoenix, Az at 1 p.m. Gosh. Lord, help me to walk in this newness of life you have given me. Help me to be willing to see my attitude at any given moment and to change it, if it's bad. Make me willing to be nice when I don't want to be nice. Make me a new person, restore the years the canker has destroyed. And bless those reading this. Remove the canker from my son also. In the name of Jesus I break the bondage of cankers that are on his life, being handed down from me. And make me see when I am being tactful, diplomatic and kind. Help me to be kind to myself first, my husband second and then the rest of the world. Father, bless me and enlarge my territory Keep me healthy Let my gentleness be evident to all Give me wisdom, give me understanding Teach me in the Spirit so I don't have to learn in the flesh Keep me teachable Bless us financially And give me your peace, which guards my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Amen. I just re-read this May 21, 2004. I AM less angry and easier for mySELF to get along with. I can't believe I put that on the web for all to see, but I feel this is why the Lord had me start this web site. So I will continue to obey and write. p.s. Going through inner healing and deliverance with Rapha Ministries has healed me of a LOT of anger and issues. Holy Spirit is marvelous, awesome, inspiring. Back |