April 4, 2006 The Holy Spirit has done it. He got to the root. Inner healing and deliverance is like peeling back the layers of an onion. One wounded part at a time, until you get to the core where it started. And it makes you cry. This last one we did was very, very hard. It was hard to separate me, from me. All that has happened to me was intertwined with how I have acted. I grew up protecting myself. I grew up with a chip on my shoulder, with anger, angst. I expected the world owed me. I expected to be hit for things I said, because I'd been hit for things I said in the past. A woman missionary from Peru, Christine her name was, told me once prophetically, that people were not rejecting ME, they were rejecting the rejection I projected. Which in turn, made ME feel rejected. I worked on that for years. But until you have the Holy Spirit of God deliver you and heal you of things that have happened to you in your past, well, I was spinning my wheels. A person can only do so much on their own, it takes God to heal, to deliver. It takes God to do HIS work in me/you. Spirit works with spirit. *light bulb* THIS is how satan makes us not understand. He tells us we can do things on our own. We CAN NOT. It's "NOT BY MIGHT, NOR BY POWER, BUT BY MY SPIRIT, SAYS THE LORD". Oh man, what A BRIGHT light bulb! I have treated my husband badly, as you maybe imagine, because of what happened to me in the past. I have a Bible that has been enhanced with commentary by T.D. Jakes. One of the pages he wrote was about how women, that have been abused/molested by men, accuse the whole gender, instead of placing the blame on the one person. This is SO true. And I have had more than one man abuse/molest me. It was hard to separate the gender from the people. In fact, I couldn't. But Holy Spirit could, and did. More than anything I have wanted to stop railing at my husband. I have wanted to stop calling him names, stop being angry at him. This last session [and I'm not thru yet, but I'm now over the hump and on the downward side], was hard. It was very hard. Liz said if I didn't face the fear, I would continue to stuff it as I have for years and years, and I would continue to treat Steve badly. OH! It was SO hard. But I didn't WANT to be mean to Steve. She said I wouldn't have to play the games any longer. Oh, it was hard. Because this wounded part that was talking was the foul mouthed part. And I KNEW as a Christian, I couldn't talk that way. Scott said to let this wounded part up, that it's not me. It's the part that thinks she was protecting me. Scott sits back on the sofa because of the man problem I had. Liz takes the lead when we would get to the wounded parts that were afraid of men. [They work so well together]. There was a part where Scott was saying something and I didn't want to do it as a young wounded part, so I looked to Liz for comfort and she didn't give any, she agreed with Scott that I needed to do it. As I told her later, THAT was excellent, because apparently I would get out of things by trying to 'play my charms' on people. So I had to focus and do it. Did I mention it was hard? Liz kept telling me if I faced this fear, I would treat Steve better. Scott kept telling me this isn't ME, it was a wounded part. Together they helped me see that even though it FELT like it was ME, because it felt like who I am now, it was NOT me, it was a wounded part. So I did. I let all the fear, the foul mouthed, dominating, domineering parts of me up. I let people see them, all at once. I was sobbing. I was cussing. And the Great Holy Spirit of God healed me. How do I know? Because I am not angry. It's been three weeks now, and I am slowly getting to the grown up part of me. The first week, I felt and acted and thought like a child. Except when I was in public, then I acted like an adult. But at home, where I was safe, I talked to God all the time and talked in a little girl voice. The Holy Spirit has been telling me to have fun. This is hard. I haven't had much fun in a long time. But I have been working at it. Part of it is to let go of the reins of responsibility I have. Give things to God. Give things to do to Steve. It's quite innovative, this thinking/feeling that it's OK if it's not done. And 'it' doesn't have to be done RIGHT NOW. [unless it's a 'right now' type of thing] LOL Take time. Stop rushing. Stop putting demands and expectations on myself. WHOA!!!! NO KIDDING! All you A-types out there know exactly what I mean. And YES! IT IS GOD'S WILL for me to stop doing that! *I* can see a change in me. I've been on the phone with different businesses and people and haven't gotten mad. Put on hold for 23 minutes with one place, didn't get angry. Steve grabbed a jar and instead of opening it gently, he didn't and it was powder and it spilled all over the bed, the clothes on the floor near the side of the bed, the rug, everywhere. I didn't get mad. [angry whichever term you prefer] I tripped over something Steve left in the garage. I did call for him and then I yelled at him to clean the garage! But it was like that part of the Bible that says, 'be angry but sin not'. WOW! [had to go to the chiropractor 3 times in one week for the incredible pain that trip caused] And here's the clincher. ALL my life *I* have been trying to STOP IT. Stop cussing, stop being mad/angry, stop BEING the way I was! And it's NOT by MY might, nor by my power that I could do it. This is something the Holy Spirit did. Our Lord, OUR DAD took it OUT Of me! It's not there! IT'S BY MY SPIRIT SAYS THE LORD. This is true! THANK YOU HOLY SPIRIT for setting me FREE! What a GIFT! Thank you for helping me through this. Thank you for leading me to Scott and Liz, thank You for loving me THAT much! Thank you   thank you   thank you.   I love you. Back Blue Sage Naturals